It’s Tuesday night, Thursday morning, Saturday evening. You and your partner are at it again. Fighting about the same thing. Maybe it’s the dishes or leaving shoes around the house or feeding the dog or not communicating that you’re running late from work.
Your partner is getting more and more upset – scrunched brow, voice volume increasing, index finger pointing. But you? You pull back, you go silent. You just want the fight to be over, you want it all to stop. Afterwards, you are left wondering, “Why do I do this?!”
In this article, we will discuss:
On the surface, shutting down may seem like a communication problem. In reality, it is a nervous system response. In a fight, your body enters freeze or flight mode. It isn’t your conscious choice. Shutting down happens instinctively because something about conflict feels emotionally or physically unsafe. Since your brain is in survival mode, you can’t access thoughtful, rational thinking.
You may be wondering what’s actually happening. At some point in time you experienced or witnessed something that your brain categorized as an unsafe emotion or situation you don’t want to experience again.
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, your protective system is working tirelessly to keep you safe. You are trying to protect yourself from re-experiencing any past trauma. Even though the behavior you display may not feel helpful, it has a positive intent. For example, shutting down in an argument may give your system a sense of control and calm and safety.
The issue is that the intensity you feel doesn’t match the current situation. It is too extreme because the pattern feels too close to an experience you had in your family of origin or with others in your past. Feeling too close doesn’t mean it is the same thing. You are responding from events in the past (unconsciously) even though you are in the present (consciously).
Your nervous system is trying to protect you—but it may be unintentionally creating distance in your relationship. This is where trauma-informed couples therapy using IFS and EMDR in Flower Mound and Argyle, TX can help uncover and shift these patterns.
Trauma-informed couples therapy in Flower Mound and Argyle, TX can change this pattern! Both you and your partner can work on the process of the pattern you seem trapped in using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS therapy.
It isn’t just about having “better communication skills.” Those will help, but simply improving communication won’t help each of you feel seen, heard, and understood in your most vulnerable moments during arguments. Because it is often about so much more than the thing you are arguing about. As a result, you and your partner can slow things down to be less reactive.
You don’t have to keep shutting down or having the same fight over and over again without a solution!
You don’t have to navigate your relationship in Argyle or Flower Mound, TX alone! As a trained IFS Level 1 and EMDR therapist, I offer trauma-informed support tailored to your relationship.
As a first step, book a free consultation for couples counseling today to see if I am the right fit for you. If your partner isn’t ready, book a free individual therapy consultation for yourself.
Healing your relationship starts with understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface.